Shall We Date?: My Fairy Tales, Ocean Review

I'm back!! I actually started this review months and months ago, then I decided to travel all over the U.S. for a bit, but I'm back for a few months at least so I've got more reviews coming. Sorry if this review is disjointed..I didnt want to start the whole thing over because I am a lazy sonofabitch so I tried to pick up where I left off forever ago.

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When I first started playing my Fairy Tales I wanted to play Ocean's route immediately because Little Mermaid is one of my most favorite fairy tales ever. So of course, because the universe hates me, his route was the one that was NOT available, and I had to wait like a bajillionty years for it to come out and I got really impatient and ran out of room on my phone so I got rid of that app for a while to make room for Snapchat (add me, wendylady03! I'll snapchat you pictures of food mostly, but also lots and lots of travel adventures!). So I forgot all about Ocean. Thankfully one of you lovely readers reminded me that he existed! Thank heavens, because gosh he's pretty and his route is pretty swell.

Get it, swell? Like the ocean? HA!

So Ocean is like the dreamy, beautifully tanned jock boys I only talked to in high school because I worked at the school store during lunch and we sold Pizza Hut pizza and smoothies....2 things jocks love apparently. You know what they don't love? Chubby girls with a penchant for the theatre, comic books, and anime.

Basically me in high school. I am totally much cooler now. Sort of.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

So you choose the magical door that leads to the beach, which would always be my first choice should I ever have to choose between magical doors because I love the fuck out of the beach! As you're walking along you come across something much more exciting than a sand dollar or dead jellyfish...

A dead body!

Oh....just kidding, it's a hot boy that is barely clinging to life. Instead of rushing to his aid though, you take a moment to admire his beauty.

I literally said the same thing when I first saw him.

And you realize that he's not just a half naked man, he's a merman which is like the holy grail of make believe beings. He asks for water, and since you're a witch you conjure up a pitcher of it. But alas, the poor boy can't drink water straight out of the pitcher for some reason so the only thing you can do is feed him water using mouth to mouth or some shit. I have literally never heard of such a thing in all my life, but this seems to be a very common life saving procedure in Otome land. You of course freak out about it though because that's like kissing and boys have cooties!!

NO.

Guess what Otome writers? Neither CPR or forcing someone to drink water from your mouth to save their life constitutes kissing. If that's the case then that old man I performed CPR on at a train station once upon a time at least owes me dinner.

So you put on your big girl undawears and force feed the dude water until he comes back to life.

Why yes, yes I am.

You explain how you just saved his life and you're also a witch, so he thinks you're pretty awesome. You're interrupted by this dude Aster, who apparently wants to marry you because you're the princess of this magical land even though you've never been here before. 

WHAT?!?! 

So did someone that looked like you live here previously? What happened to her? Was it an alternate universe you? If so, what happened to her? Did the land not really exist until you showed up, and everyone just kind of appeared with backstories and memories that aren't real? How very Once Upon a Time!!

Aster, the king of popped collars.

Aster takes you back to your castle, but Ocean asked you to meet him at the beach the next day so you sneak out to see him because he's beautiful and his name isn't quite as dumb as Aster. You know if someone was named that in real life in my town I can guarantee someone would call him AssTurd. I. Guarantee. It. 

So you have to make someone happy to get back home, and after meeting back up with Ocean he explains that he wishes he was a human because swimming around in whale jizz and fish poo all day is pretty gross. Or actually because being a sea prince is suffocating and legs will somehow help him be free?

I like my reasoning better.

 You're a pretty sucky witch though and can't help him out, so all you can manage to do is make some cat ears. Then your talking book takes over because you're an embarrassment and pukes out some flowers which Ocean loves.

You didn't do anything actually, but I will take credit whether it's due or not.

Then suddenly it switches to Ocean's POV and he's talking about how you're a ditz and useless, but he can't hate you. I guess that's sweet? You also meet Ocean's older brothers who are prettier than I'll ever be.

You agree to meet Ocean again and bring him a bouquet of flowers. He tells you about the sea witch that can help him get legs because your worthless ass can't, but you tell him to hold on because you'll figure something out. Ocean then wants to repay you for the flowers you brought, and you get two ridiculous choices...have Ocean sing for you, or dance for you.

I chose sing obviously, because how in the hell is a mermaid supposed to dance on land? Though I do want to play again to see what he says if you choose dance, because I hope it's "are you fucking serious?" But any way having someone sing or dance for you when you've just met them seems really awkward, unless you are drunk, then that is just standard procedure.

This warning should be included on every Anberlin album. I love them so.

Ocean starts to sing and you try to sexually assault him even though he told you to be careful, but you can't help it because you're easily enchanted by the power of song and shirtless, beautiful mermen. 

I have the same problem.

AssTurd shows up and realizes you're cheating on him with a guy who has a tail, and he tries to capture Ocean so he can cannibalize him or something and live forever. Weird shit. Ocean gets away, you go back to the beach to see him, AssTurd follows, and then he promises he won't go all Deadliest Catch on the merpeople if you kiss him on the beach and agree to his proposal. You kiss and/or hug AssTurd and Ocean sees it, so he decides enough is enough and he's going to get legs so he can kick some ass.

He visits the Sea Witch, is told he can become human in exchange for his voice, and he signs all the required paperwork to make it so.

You find him on the beach with his new legs, realize he can't talk, and take him home with you under the guise of him being a new servant at the palace. VERY PLAUSIBLE. Young women come home with handsome, tanned servant boys all the time. I know I do.

You run into Aster who doesn't recognize Ocean, even though his face is exactly the same. EXACTLY THE SAME!!! HE JUST HAS LEGS NOW AND HIS EARS ARE NO LONGER FINS ASSTURD AND THAT IS ALL THAT HAS CHANGED, GOSH.

Reminds me of the Prince Eric part of this video....

You decide Ocean needs to take a bath to wash of all the sand that merpeople probably get in all their crevices, and afterwards he walks out with his junk just hanging out for all to see. You can't blame him though, he maybe didn't have junk before. Or he did....but it was retractable into his tail? Or it was his tail?? How does that even work??? How do merpeople reproduce???? Is that why they no longer exist????? 

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

So Ocean uses the 'ol "I don't know how to put clothes on" excuse...

So you have to help him get dressed which somehow ends up with him in some kind of weird bondage scenario involving his shirt. You have NO IDEA how that happened *WINKWINK*

I think indecent is a typo, it should be FUCKING AMAZING.

 You realize you want Ocean to get his voice back, so you talk to your magic book who tells you you need to make an elixir from sasquatch turds, jackalope horns, wedding cake pieces from all the successful marriages that the dating site Plenty of Fish has produced, and a bunch of other ridiculous things that don't exist. 

You somehow make the elixir, but sidenote.....now YOU will lose your voice.

Ocean drinks the elixir and you lose the ability to speak, but the Sea Witch shows up and tells you that you can get your voice back by kissing Ocean (WIN!!) which seems pretty straightforward, but the Sea Witch apparently has to explain it to you because you are an idiot.

This was the dare that was always given at every junior high boy-girl party I ever went to.

You also aren't comfortable with kissing this incredibly attractive dude who obviously likes you because you feel like it's for the sole purpose of getting your voice back, which is weird to me because I kissed a guy once because he held the door open for me and I thought that was nice. And I was drunk and he looked like Ryan Reynolds....so what was I supposed to do?? You can choose to kiss him or not, but we all know that that choice will be, duh.

Anyway, now a very brief recap of the rest of the story because I just got back from Disneyland and I'm having withdrawals and I feel like I have been working on this review since the day I was born and I'm tired and want to watch my Kamisama Kiss boxset....

Ocean's brothers try to drown you, you ask Ocean if he would actually be happier under the sea and he kisses you in a beautiful CG to shut you up...

Also no wonder Ocean was having such a hard time putting his clothes on, he is wearing some kind of crazy-strappy leotard. That wouldn't even be easy for me, and I grew up taking ballet.

Ocean has a rose fetish, the Sea Witch has a YOU fetish so she wants to break you and Ocean up and take you home with her, so she makes Aster forcefully become engaged to you, Ocean sees you kissing Aster even though you didn't want to and he goes back to the sea where he learns that unless he murders you he will turn into sea foam and disappear.

WHEW.

You go to the sea, throw roses in the water, and fall asleep because why not? Ocean finds the roses and then he finds you, and you wake up as he is turning into foam. Then this beautiful bit of gorgeousness happens.....

AWWWWWWWWWWWW

I can't even.

So Ocean dies, but then the magic book tells you there is a spell that can bring him back but will take away his memories, and you can choose to do it or not. 

I feel like that magic book is a straight up douche, because there seems to be a spell for everything but he always waits until everything is a fucking mess before being like "oh hey, that didn't need to happen, I totally could have fixed it. MY BAD LOL."

Anyway, on to the best part of my life, the sweet ending in a Solmare Otome game...

You choose to bring Ocean back to life, and he really doesn't remember you until he sees the roses and all the memories of you acting like a child anytime his lips got near yours comes flooding back to him.

The Sea Witch decides she likes Aster more than you, so she turns him into a merman and takes him home with her. Then Ocean drops this little truth bomb out of fucking nowhere.....

BOOM

You guys get married, and then you get to figure out how the human body works together!!

I will show you!!!!

This is a pretty accurate portrayal of a "first time"....

Still pretty accurate.....

NOPE NOPE NOPE. I guess it's cute, but if a dude ever said this to me I would not be able to contain my disgust.

Is that very blatantly talking about his sea-men(get it?!?!), or am I reading too much into this? When I got to this part, had I been drinking anything I would have spit it out in a very comical manner.

And then we end on this cheesy note to try and cleanse your mind from what I'm pretty sure was the MC getting impregnated before our very own eyes.

So cheesy. Please no.

So this ending was okay I suppose, not as great as I was expecting but it was fitting for the story which was super romantic, lovey/dovey, borderline cheesy. The happy ending is actually not bad either, you end up becoming a mermaid and live in the sea with him, but there are zero sexy times so BOO.

Wendy's Otome Rating Scale

5.75 fangirl screams out of 10.

Preferred snacks for Ocean's route;

Swedish fish. Obviously.

Ocean spray cranberry juice mixed with vodka. It tastes sweet and horrible all at once, which was sort of how I felt about this route. It was sweet, but too sweet sometimes makes my old, jaded, bitter heart feel horrible.

Sushi. All the sushi. The more raw, the better. Just so, you know, you can get some sea creatures inside you, just like the MC. OH SHNAP.