I had heard that Hanzo's route was not as long as the others, and at first I was pretty upset about the whole thing. Why wouldn't Hanzo get to have a story as long as the others? Why only 7 chapters?!? And I started his route the same day that I had a horrible day at work and just wanted to curl up in a ball and die, so I felt like this short Hanzo route was just kicking me when I was already down.
**SPOILERS AHEAD**
But I was wrong, the length of the route is perfect. Hanzo's story is perfect. Hanzo's face and hair and awkward/clumsy attempts at showing his affection are perfect. Hanzo is perfect.
So Hanzo's story begins after the war, which was a pretty nice change and also a reason that you should do all the other routes before Hanzo. You also finally get to meet Lord Ieyasu, whose head is as large as Hanzo's body.
Apparently there are still Nobunaga supporters out there that want to kill the ninjas, or something. I honestly can't remember because I waited too long to write this review and started playing another game in the meantime so my head is a mess of hot pixelated boys and implausible story lines.
Hanzo is worried about you because he can't immediately return you home to your boring, normal life, since the danger is too great. You're worried about him because he seems stressed, so you guys keep saying how worried you are about each other. Then this exchange happens....
MC YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
Goemon, who seems to spend a good amount of time in other people's routes being Cupid, convinces Hanzo to pretend you are his wife as you travel into town to collect information. He also gives you a bunch of lovely compliments which Hanzo later admits he totally screwed up by not saying those things to you first.
You start traveling with Ieyasu and the ninjas to Iga? I can't remember, but you all are going somewhere, and at one point Hanzo grabs your naked self out of the tub to protect you from what turns out to be Sasuke and Saizo peeping in on you. Those rascals.
Saizo completely throwing Sasuke under the bus.
Then Hanzo explodes a castle or something, and you think he's dead, so Goemon comforts you like the nice guy he is, and some more stuff happens.....sorry, this review is just...I don't even know, I'm also hung over, so there's that....any way, you fall in love with Hanzo but he pushes you away!
Since I was having such a rough day, all I could do at this point was cry a little and scream yes.
Then at this point all I could do was cry a little and scream no.
Oh MC, I can tell you all about it.
Then Oriku shows up, poisons you and Hanzo, and kidnaps you both. You escape and find the other ninjas to save Hanzo, and then you walk in on him while he's bathing to make sure he's not drowning, which is a pretty weak excuse but Hanzo buys it.
Hanzo notices the rope marks on your arms from being kidnapped, and then this happens and my breath was literally taken away. Literally, I couldn't breathe for a few seconds.
Hanzo realizes he loves you and admits that he has since the moment he met you. You know who else realized Hanzo loves you? KUMA.
Can we talk about Kuma?!?!
I love her because in real life, I am her. I am the Kuma of my life's story. The best friend, the girl like a sister, the one people rely on and trust, but I am not the protagonist. I am not the one all the boys love. So I was apprehensive about Hanzo's route because in all the other stories it is made clear that Kuma loves Hanzo and I didn't want to betray my virtual/fictional friend like that.
I think it was handled well though, because after Kuma says she just wants Hanzo to be happy, this happens with Munenori....
And I like to pretend that they totally fall in love and get married and have lots of sex and babies. (name that movie quote! It's from Love Actually, I don't have time to wait for you to guess, I have Ibuprofen and Gatorade I need to consume).
Then the steamiest, best ending possible happens with Hanzo. Just.....UNF.
Blushing Hanzo!!!!
OH MY GOSH ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW
Also can we just mention the ending CG?
Hanzo is delicious, but that is the most ridiculous MC face I have ever seen. Though honestly, that's pretty much the same face I was making at the end of Hanzo's route.
Hanzo probably has my most favorite ending ever. I love that the super proper, always professional one has the wildest ending. I also realize that I am a fan of the older men, so I suspect that to be a running theme in my reviews. Older = Automatic 1 point increase.
Wendy's Otome Rating Scale
8.5 fangirl screams out of 10.
Preferred snacks for Hanzo's route;
Lobster tail, or something else equally as classy and expensive. Hanzo is the heir to the Hattori throne after all, so you best get used to the finer things in life.
Super spicy buffalo wings. Consumed after the lobster tail, and right when things are getting hot and heavy with Hanzo. You go from classy to hot and dirty, just like Hanzo.
Cool Blue Gatorade. You'll need to stay hydrated and keep your electrolytes in check with all the steamy Hanzo action.
"You go from classy to hot and dirty, just like Hanzo"
ReplyDeleteThat made me want to play his route !! I'll look forward to Hanzo's story in Android (I hope they'll release it soon)
Hi Wendy. I'm new to the Japanese sims dating apps and so I quite literally found this blogspot by accident while searching for other like minded fan girls who also think Hanzo is HOT, and I just wanted to let you know how much fun I had reading your review! One question though. WHY is the MC drawn to look so.... er, plain seems to be too much of a compliment. I mean, here are all these male hotties running around but the MC looks like the Japanese version of Little Orphan Annie. Who's six. And spends most of her time saying saying such intellectually stimulating things as "Huh?", "What?", "Kyaah!!" and "Master *Insert Name of Flavor...I mean Hero of the Day*"? And trips over her feet a lot. And does things she's been implicitly told NOT to do because it can put herself and the love of her life in danger?!? I understand that these stories are totally implausible but seriously?? I would enjoy the games a LOT MORE if I wasn't busy spending much of my time wishing I could drop kick the MC over the side of a cliff. But going back to the original issue, why couldn't she have also been drawn to look more attractive? Do Japanese story tellers have a thing for ugly girls? This is a sim romance right? Ok, I admit my western upbringing may be at fault here even though I'm Asian by birth, but when I immerse myself in these games I like to pretend I'm some gorgeous chick with flowing hair and a body that a stripper would be envious of.
ReplyDelete.....
I seem to have gone off on a rant somewhere. I can't believe I wrote this much on my iPhone. About what essentially are fictional cartoon characters.
My apologies. Ahem.
Anyway if you could maybe answer my question or questions (I'm sure there is at least one buried somewhere here) I would really appreciate it. And again, many thanks for this review. It really made my night reading it!
Admittedly I am seeing this comment WAY LATE, but life got crazy for me. I bought a house! And a dog! And found a real life boy!! YAY!!
DeleteBus I'm right there with you. I don't know what it is, or why, but the MCs are always pretty plain looking, and on top of that....very YOUNG looking. I get that's a thing, the whole young girl fetish, but I find it very odd.
I also struggle with disliking the majority of MCs. It is infuriating that they are so damn useless and whiny and naive. Once in a while they stand up for themselves, and that's great, but it's few and far between I feel.
I get that's also a thing, and I wonder just how many of these routes are being written by men. Naive, young, impressionable girl is definitely a type of fetish for a lot of dudes.