Shall We Date?: Can't Say No, Subaru Tadokoro Happy Ending Review

So here are my ramblings for Subaru's Happy Ending. I just....don't even know....like it started out so well and then it all just went completely off the rails. I feel like I need a week long break after playing this route.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Happy Ending, AKA the I Think a Murderous Stalker Would Make a Fine Life Companion Ending.

The rest of the route is reviewed here, if you feel so inclined to read more of my disjointed thoughts.

So you've been kidnapped and tied to a bed by the Security Guard, whose name you still don't know despite working together for what I assume has been more than a week, plus he's had his hands down your pants so you would think you'd at least maybe get a first name on the guy.

You would also think at some point during those 48 hours you would ask his name, out of curiosity at the very least, but also so that once you hopefully escape unharmed you can name your abductor. That may just be me though, I'm a stickler for details.

So you're completely tied up and gagged which means he holds all the power. It's nice to know though that without you being there he wouldn't be able to sleep.

Awe how swee....wait no. That's fucked up.

And yet, I'm totally okay with this whole thing.

Disturbed pacing is apparently a turn on for this MC.

Finally Security Guard takes the gag off of you, and you take this opportunity to let him know that despite him being a complete basketcase who has kept you prisoner for two days in his home, you totally want to go to Target and register for dinnerware and matching towels because you can't live without him. 

He is literally shocked at what a fucking lunatic you are, because HE KIDNAPPED YOU.

 I am so torn here Mr. Security Guard. You are a crazy person, but still I get all swoony whenever you say nice things to me.

What went so wrong in my upbringing that caused me to be all of the following;

A. In love with so many fictional characters

B. In love with a fictional character that is a complete psycho

C. Unable to have a real life relationship so I search for companionship through technology with people that aren't actually people at all

D. Obsessed with Neil Diamond

If I ever go back to my therapist, she is going to have a field day with me. I'll just show her this blog.

I also love having absolutely zero privacy.

And then there he is, being fucking adorable again and I can't stay mad at his cute face.

He finally unties you, because he's realized that you have also lost your mind so you guys are most definitely going to live happily ever after in delusional bliss, and then BOOM! Psychotic sexy times.

I really hate the term "making love". It sounds so cheesy and lame. This is also why I hate saxophone music, because I feel like that is the music one should make love to.

Well of course, you're probably going to get pretty ripped after scaling the sides of buildings and climbing up trees to watch people sleep.

As crazy as he is, I do appreciate him checking with me to make sure the sexy times are to my liking.

wut?

There was like zero mention of him sticking anything anywhere, so I was kind of taken aback at this point. But okay, I'll go with it.

OMG.

THEY JUST WENT THERE. THEY WENT THERE.

HE IS NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR MOUTH.

FUCK NO.

Good answer.

 Seriously. Seriously. Solmare is trying to kill me.

This is 100% correct.

And....apparently that's it for the sexy times. Though I shouldn't say that like I'm disappointed or anything because my gosh.

Eventually Security Guard takes you home for a minute, and you breakup with forearms so you can spend the rest of your life with psycho Spock.

And I am okay with this. WHY AM I OKAY WITH THIS?!?!

Presumably in a more normal fashion that doesn't involve being tied up for hours a day. Unless it's consensual and there is a safe word in place.

I like the word sarsaparilla.

I mean, why not?

He is adorable, so I suppose you could consider yourself lucky that you get to look at him all day, and in return he gets to look at you all day...and all night while you sleep....and while you're at work...and while you're in the bathroom....and anytime you are anywhere doing anything.

So obviously Security Guard is a yandere, which I didn't even realize was a thing that actually had a term, but of course it's a thing with a term because manga/anime/otome encompass everything in the known universe. English needs to step up it's game, because all the other languages have awesome words for things that we don't, so we have to use up a lot of energy explaining things that other countries can relay in just one word.

My favorites include;

Kummerspeck (German): Excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.

Tingo (Pascuense language of Easter Island): to borrow objects one by one from a neighbor’s house until there is nothing left.

Backpfeifengesicht (German): A face badly in need of a fist. (I would use this term all the time!)

{Info from here and here}

I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't completely weirded out at first by Subaru's route and the happy ending that I suppose is happy in a way even though the whole situation is incredibly strange. It's SO different from any game I've played up to this point so I was not prepared for the very adult themes of Can't Say No, and especially of Subaru. But, since this is make believe and fantasy and I do what I damn well please, I allowed myself to stop thinking so much about it and just enjoy the route for what it is...

...a complete mind grenade that desecrates everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.

Oh, Subaru.

Wendy's Otome Rating Scale

5 fangirl screams out of 10. 

Preferred snacks for Subaru's happy ending; 

Glazed donuts. A classic. Eat it and pretend that your life hasn't been turned upside down...that everything is as it should be and nothing has changed.

Steamed vegetables. Eat them at the end when Security Guard helps you make dinner and he's cutting up veggies. You can keep on pretending that this is all perfectly normal.

Sparking grape juice. I feel like legitimate alcohol will just mix up your thoughts and feelings even more, but you can still pretend this is champagne, much like you're pretending that everything is okay.