Shall We Date?: Can't Say No, Subaru Tadokoro Main Route Review

My hell you guys, are you ready for this? Because I don't know that I am.

 

Seriously, I hope you are prepared to take a one way trip on the crazy train to lunatic town where nothing makes sense and everything you ever thought you knew about life is wrong and seemingly innocent otome games are anything but. Oh, and guess what?! You'll think you're going to convince yourself that the various endings to this game totally weird you out, and you're going to put your phone down in shock and disgust only to realize moments later that you actually really liked all the endings. All of them. And you're going to pick your phone back up hesitantly at first, but then you're going to play the hell out of the game again and again and then probably again with a fervor the likes of which haven't been seen since that night 6 years ago when you played Guitar Hero for the first time completely hammered with a bunch of your friends at your apartment. You all thought you were Jimi Hendrix reincarnated and took turns shredding on that damn plastic guitar until 7 am before someone inevitably passed out in their own vomit and tears. Everyone then made a pact never to drink again mere hours before you all got drunk off jagerbombs and vodka mixed with Mountain Dew.

 

You'll realize after playing Subaru's route that nothing makes a lick of sense anymore so you might as well come to terms with your fucked up moral compass and weird fetishes now because this is your life from here on out; a mess of empty Pocky boxes and energy drinks strewn around you while you play an otome game that has dragged you straight down the rabbit hole into WHAT THE FUCKVILLE, where you actually want to buy a house and live forever.

 

 

**SPOILERS AND STRAIGHT LUNACY AHEAD, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK**

 So Subaru is the security guard at the office where you work, and he seems incredibly sweet and lovely. I'm a sucker for a man in uniform, even if they are a rent a cop, so I was pretty excited about Subaru's route.

 

He is incredibly cute, and his uniform makes me want to walk into the office without my badge displayed so I can get lightly reprimanded.

 

He actually notices how hard you work, and he's in awe of your dedication to your job. I would literally punch my own grandmother to have a cute guy compliment me on my work ethic. Instead I have a bunch of dumbasses that like to point out how easy my job must be because I sit at a desk all day.

 

Why hello Officer Adorable.

 

 He even gets you food, which is the number two way to my heart.

 

The first way is being Johnny Depp.

 

This is basically a proposal in my book, and I would say hell yes.

HIS ADORABLENESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS. He seriously has superhuman adorable powers.

 

Even though you don't bother to ask his name and refer to him only as Mr. Security Guard, he literally becomes your favorite thing at work, and you look forward to seeing his face everyday even though you're engaged to someone else...someone else who didn't purchase donuts for you, so how the engagement even happened is a mystery to me. Surprisingly (not!) your non donut buying fiancé Kaoru has no time for you or donuts, so you basically never see him and are left alone a lot of the time. Well actually, not completely alone...

 

Well that's weird. I wonder if it's the ghost of foreshadowing.

 

So after your donut hating fiance Kaoru bails on you for the millionth time, you go to your good 'ol coffee shop to drown your sorrows in caffeine. But lo and behold, someone walks in wearing what looks like a Star Trek uniform shirt.

 

or Spock!?

 

Security Guard and his collarbone/neck muscles that could basically cut you in half join you at your table, and your mere presence is enough to make him all flustered and gorgeous and huggable and dammit I just want to cuddle with him so hard right now.

 

 

As if that's not enough to cause your fangirl heart to develop an arrhythmia, later he saves you from some thug that tries to do unspeakable things to you in a park. A park that you were walking through late at night without pepper spray or even a basic understanding of self defense maneuvers like a fucking moron.

 

 

At this point I literally swooned a bit and thought that Security Guard is totally the sweetest most amazing guy ever, and also that this premise is very similar to the 90s movie Untamed Heart; it stars Christian Slater as a busboy who saves a waitress that he works with from some thugs in a park, and they fall in love even though he has a baboon heart or something. Watch it if you can, you'll most certainly regret it and hate me for recommending it, but I don't want to be alone in my shame of not only seeing but owning that movie.

 

So Security Guard asks if you're okay, like the knight in shining armor that he is, then suddenly he glares the evilest of glares and gets freaking pissed off at you for having a vagina.

 

He apparently does not appreciate you walking home in the dark alone. Also when this face popped on the screen I gasped because he is staring the sharpest of daggers straight into my soul.

 

Then immediately after his freakout, he turns back into adorable Security Guard who offers you a ride home and then confesses that he wants to be your hero, baby. (Enrique Iglesias FTW!)

 

If donuts are involved, I'd be down for that.

 

You turn him down for reasons unknown to me, because he's adorable and bought you a donut and saved your life and is like your own personal Jekyll and Hyde, so at least things would never get boring.

 

Then Kaoru shows up, and Security Guard gives him some pretty solid advice.

 

IN BED.

 

Security Guard leaves, and the next morning you have sexy times with Kaoru even though he doesn't seem to care that you were almost sexually assaulted the night before. No donuts + he's a giant fucking douchenozzle = WHY MC?!?! Break up with him immediately.

 

I would rather him stimulate my taste buds with a donut.

 

Oh also, that dude that attacked you the previous night was apparently murdered. MURDERED. SOMEONE ENDED HIS LIFE. And this is the only time it's mentioned.

 

Well okay then.

 

You return to work, and I don't know if you're suddenly made completely of beer or what, but both your super hot boss and creepy coworker hit on you within mere minutes of each other.

 

 

A similar incident happened to me in Vegas once, except the first guy to hit on me looked like the lovechild of Willem Dafoe and John Malkovich, and the second guy was an Elvis impersonator...so there's that.

 

Security Guard is NOT HAPPY with all the attention you were getting, so later when he sees you working alone with Akira he grabs you and takes you to a stairwell. This is where things just take a complete turn down a surprisingly crazy path from which we will never, ever return.

 

Prepare yourselves kids.

You try to explain to him that it's normal to be working alone with Akira, even after he asked you out and you awkwardly ran out of the break room like a child.

Security Guard does not understand what normal means.

Nope, that is still not the correct use of the word normal.

 

Super sweet Security Guard, WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING?!?!

UNF

 

My only thought during this, besides WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, was did he or did he not remove his gloves? I like to think he removed them, Sebastian Michaelis/Claude Faustus style.

 

I GIVE UP. This game will be the death of me.

 

I should probably hate this whole scene, but I don't. And I don't know who I am anymore.

 

You high tail it out of there, and then you don't see the Security Guard for quite a while. Probably because you have a pretty strong sexual harassment case on your hands so he's lying low, hoping you'll forget about the whole stairwell incident.

 

Oh, except he randomly shows up outside windows to stare at you.

 

 

And he saves you from almost getting vehicular manslaughtered by a truck after someone pushes you into the street.

Strange how he just happened to be there when you needed help yet again. Weird.

 

Oh, and by the way, as if you don't have enough going on, Kaoru is cheating on you with your coworker. Surprise!

 

Fuck you Kaoru! I bet he bought her donuts. Really the only thing I like about Kaoru is his forearm...it's almost the same size as his thigh. And remember how someone pushed you in front of a truck? They sort of elude to it being Rika that pushed you. EVERYONE IN THIS ROUTE IS FIFTY DIFFERENT SHADES OF CRAZY.

 

So you run into the open arms of Security Guard who may or may not be stalking you, but who cares at this point because EVERYTHING IS TOPSY TURVY AND THE AMOUNT OF CAPS LOCK IN THIS ENTRY IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND, BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS.

Let's be real, he's stalking you like it's his profession.

He is so adorable that I almost don't care that he did that thing in the stairwell and that he is legitimately stalking you and even though it is never mentioned again we all know HE FUCKING MURDERED A GUY.

 

With all the shit that is going on in your life, it's really no surprise that you pass out and end up in the hospital. Except it is, because I have had a lot of shit happen in my life and I have NEVER passed out, not even once. In otome land it's like there is a rampant fainting epidemic that should probably be looked in to, because it happens all the damn time.

While in the hospital, Security Guard begs you to let him be by your side, but for some reason you are still trying to make it work with Kaoru so you turn him down. The MC in this route makes no sense whatsoever, but I can't really question it because the guy we are supposed to be falling in love with is a homicidal stalker so the best thing to do in this route is just stop thinking altogether.

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH. He is crying because he wants to be with you so bad. And it is gorgeous, albeit pretty creepy.

 

Instead of going with beautiful crier Security Guard, you allow Kaoru back in your room where he tries to make you forget what an asshole he is by manhandling your boobs.

Kaoru is definitely a breast man.

NO!!!!!!!!!! That is the most awkward thing ever. I got second hand embarrassment from this and had to stop playing for a bit.

 

Security Guard then blows you off, pretends he doesn't care that he just saw you topless with a guy whose forearms are as big as your head, and wishes you well.

Don't say such things, I haven't even had a chance to file a restraining order against you yet.

 

Then you return home, and this happens......

What?

Wait, WHAT?

 

WHAT?!?!?!

OH MY FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

 

 

SECURITY GUARD HAS KIDNAPPED YOU.

 

I, what?!?! I can't.....I.......WHAT?!?!

 

So, to recap;

Security Guard buys you donuts

He randomly shows up wherever you are

He murders a guy, even though it's never spelled out but we all know it

He assaults you in a stairwell

He follows you around while remaining in the shadows

He knocks you unconscious

He kidnaps you

He ties you to a bed and is holding you hostage

 

So this is obviously the only logical thing to say to him...

Keep your friends close, but your murderous crazy stalker closer.

 

Then he just sits in the corner of the room and stares at you for hours before you decide that that is boring as fuck as well as being completely creepy, so it's time for bed.

And at this point I felt the need to gird my loins because shit is about to go down.

And here we go....

I.....wait, huh?

ME TOO!

 

Then the next day, depending on your answer, one of two crazy ass things happen, and then this...

Oh, that's nice of him. I hate it when a regular old kidnapping ends up with you being tied up too tight. That's just uncomfortable.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT OKAY.

Apparently the MC is into this kind of thing, and from the safety of my room while playing this route on my phone, I suppose I'm okay with it too. If this were real life though......

 

 

It's MAKING you crazy??? No, I'm pretty sure you are a VIP member of Club Crazy.

 

And from here you get one of 3 endings that are each going to get their own review, because that is the only way I can possibly get all my thoughts out regarding Security Guard. You guys, YOU GUYS, this route nearly killed me, much like how Security Guard totally KILLED THAT GUY EVEN THOUGH IT IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

 

HE KILLED A GUY, STALKED YOU THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE ROUTE, AND THEN KIDNAPPED YOU.

 

And I still love him. What is my life? How did I end up here? What does this all mean?!?!

 

 

Wendy's Otome Rating Scale

 

A billionty fangirl screams out of 10.

 

I can't give it a normal rating, because this route is NOT NORMAL.

 

Preferred snacks for Subaru's route up to this point; 

 

A whole box of donuts, to help remind you why you fell in love with his crazy ass in the first place.

 

Xanax.

 

That's it, just donuts and Xanax.